Employee’s Guide to Corporate Double-Speak

Posted in work with tags , , , on February 25, 2010 by Mike Hatz

(NOTE: The following guide originally appeared on the blog “The Great Imitator” by JHARE. Each Orwellian line of corporate bullshit is followed by its corresponding plain-talk truth in italics.)

“Entry-Level Position.” – You’ll be making $8.00 an hour.

“Entry-Level Position in an Up-and-Coming Company.” – You’ll be making under $8.00 an hour, and we’ll be bankrupt in a year.

“An Up-and Coming Software Company.” – We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.

“Profit-Sharing plan.” – Once it’s been shared by the higher-ups, there won’t BE a profit.

“Competitive Salary.” – We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“Join our Fast-Paced Company.” – We have no time to train you. You’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

“Nationally Recognized Leader.” – “Inc.” Magazine did an article on us a few years back, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.

“Immediate Opening.” – The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

“Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter.” – We’re not going to supply you with leads, there’s no base salary, and you’ll have to wait 30 days for your first commission check.

“Must be Self-Motivated.” – Management won’t answer any questions.

“We Offer Great benefits.” – After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

“Pension/Retirement Benefits.” – After three years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

“Seeking Enthusiastic, Fun, Hard-Working People…” – …who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.

“Casual Work Atmosphere.” – We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Competitive Environment.” – We have an extremely high turnover rate.

“Exciting and Professional Work Environment.” – Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

“Join Our Dynamic Team.” – We all have to listen to nutty motivational tapes.

“Fun Work Environment.” – Your coworkers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.

A Drug-Free Work Environment.” – We booze it up at company parties.

“Must be Deadline Oriented.” – You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“Some Public Relations Skills Required.” – If we’re in trouble, you’ll have to go on TV and get us out of it.

“Some Overtime Required.” – That is, some overtime each night and some overtime every weekend.

“Salary Range $24K – $32K.” – We’ll offer you $22K to start.

“A Highly Visible Position.” – You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.

“Flexible Hours.” – Work 65 – 70 hours a week, get paid for 40.

“Duties Will Vary.” – Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Where Employees Feel Valued.” – That is, the lucky ones who missed the first five rounds of layoffs.

“Must Have an Eye for Detail.” – We have no quality control.

“College Degree Preferred.” – Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English, or religion.

“No Phone Calls Please.” – We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience.” – You’ll need it to replace the three people who just left.

“Problem-Solving Skills a Must.” – You’re fixin’ to join a company in a state of perpetual chaos.

“Requires Team Leadership Skills.” – You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

“Good Communication Skills.” – Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

“Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload” – You whine, you’re fired.

“Aspirations for Growth Within Our Company” – We LOVE brown-nosers.

Copied From:

http://thegreatimitator.blogspot.com/2009/06/employer-talk.html

And Now, My New-year’s Resolutions (One Month Later).

Posted in blogging, health and fitness, living, work, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2010 by Mike Hatz

Tomorrow is the last day of January; I cannot believe how a months that feels so excruciatingly slow has gone by so fast. In another month, I will turn 42. I can’t believe how fast that’s flown by; I mean, I was only 19 just the other day! I used to think 42 was old, but the truth is, it is quite the opposite. There’s a lot of great (but not guaranteed) years ahead of me. Elvis died on the commode when he was 42; I cannot afford to let that happen to me!

Most of my resolutions involve Luchrisa and I being able to enter our golden years with a little dignity. The most logical process in this quest is to first, become self-employed. Next, never, EVER lose track of my workouts. Finally, make as much money DOING WHAT I LOVE to save for our future. I have learned that the “steady company job” is not usually the safest way to plan for the future (unfortunately, I have almost waited till too late to understand this, but the point is that I finally figured it out).

So here’s the update on Resolution One, Make workouts more cardio-oriented. I have always worked out with heavy weights (my all-time max bench was 320), and did some walking, eventually running five miles five days a week, but from this year forward my workouts will be focusing on breathing and heart strength; hopefully, this will lower my triglycerides as well.

I had already lost 5 pounds and almost got my heart rate where it used to be in my prime when the bronchitis hit. Now it’s been over two weeks since I had done a push-up, a pull-up, or even jumped rope. I have been slowly working back into the routine, but I am still having a little trouble breathing, so I have to resist the temptation to jump back in at full force, especially in my natural desire to want to try and reverse the damage the bronchitis did to my body!

The next resolution is the one about wanting to work harder towards breaking myself of blue-collar life. Even though there is that urgency to make this happen as quickly as possible, I have to do this the smart way, because Reality wins out over ideas every time! Yeah, I still need that paycheck to keep steady until my ship finally comes in!

So, I have been exploring many other online writing opportunities during this past month, and finding out what will work for me and my schedule and unique situation and gradually building towards a nice income. Likewise, I am learning more and more about freelancing and want to eventually make my living that way as well.

Next, the novels! Yeah, I got four of them going (or maybe five; not sure), and I have resolved to finish at least the basic plot points before 2011, and have at least two of them done completely during the summer. As for my music-related goals, I still dedicating Tuesdays and Thursdays to practicing with the guys, but I cannot do Saturdays any more if I am to have extra time to create online content and such. Sorry, sometimes we all have to make some painful choices in life!

I am still learning to read music for both guitar and bass, but primarily bass since that’s still my primary performing axe. That is coming along decent, but I have been having trouble budgeting my time in the past couple years (which brings us to Resolution Five: Get My Time Under Control!). I have learned several years ago that time is even more valuable than money, although it is similar to money in the way which it behaves. In short, you have to tell your hours (and your dollars) what to do to get the most out of them!

So, on days I just don’t sit down in a chair right after work and fall asleep for two or three hours, I try to follow the schedule in my new DayPlanner (like I used to use in the good old days, before my life became “6 AM-8 PM – WORK / 8 PM-10 PM – CHORES). Now that I have time on my hands (not to mention this lucky break with the snowstorm), I can better organize it and make more efficient use of it.

Well, that’s all for now, as far as the first leg of my journey into the unknown. It is an exciting, but I have to admit one thing: I’m scared shitless! You see, except for a brief period serving in the Navy, blue collar is the only life I’ve ever known. I am fixing to take my wife and I on an entirely new, unknown path, and sometimes it freaks me out a little. But I can NEVER let that stop me from trying, because when my break(s) finally come, they’ll come fast, and I had better be ready for them!

Changes for the Better in 2010

Posted in living, work with tags , , , , , , , , on January 2, 2010 by Mike Hatz

I got a hell of a wake up call during the past couple of months! On top of my health taking a downward slide (through nobody’s fault but my own) , I finally experienced the reality of the corporate world for the last time! I have had enough, and I am ready to get the hell out the first real chance I get!

Don’t get me wrong, I am more than grateful for this job; believe me, I have had way worse! No, it’s just that at over 40 years old, I finally realized that, in the corporate world, the worker is treated like a puddle of piss, even by their immediate, sub-low level ’superiors’.

Your intelligence and integrity does not matter to these 9 to 5 drones, because in their eyes, you are an animal. To your boss and to his bosses, there is no difference between an employee who spends his evenings trying to better himself and an employee who spends his drinking until he passes out!

I am sick and fucking tired of being treated like a low-life because of who I am. I cannot help that I didn’t get to choose which social class I was born into. I also didn’t ask to be cursed with my intellect and abilities. So-called ‘gifts’ like these are truly wasted on people like me, because nobody cares about that down here; all it does is get you ridiculed and shunned by your ‘peers’ and disdained by your ‘betters’.

And so it ends this year; 2010 will be the year I leave the bullshit of company politics behind me forever! My boss, an honest, thoughtful guy, basically made me realize that the majority of warehouse workers are animals in the purest sense of the word, and he is right! I have worked warehouses, landscaping, and construction most of my life, and I have labored with some really creepy characters in my time.

Anyway, that bit of social reality has finally made me realize that I will always be looked at in the corporate world as an animal because I do the dirty work! Again, my intelligence and character has no bearing whatsoever on how my higher-ups at the plant view me. To them, I am merely the smartest ape in their zoo!

So I decided that if I am going to enter my golden years with any dignity whatsoever, I have to get out of that bullshit, and do it immediately! The only way to not be treated like a beast is to leave the corporate environment that rewards ass-kissing, brown-nosing, back-stabbing, and social climbing as blatantly as it ignores hard work, intelligence, and dependability.

Sometimes, my situation reminds me of Brian Griffin (that’s the dog from “Family Guy”, for those of you who don’t know). Brian is more intellectual and intelligent than any of the humans in Quahog. He is an aspiring writer who can be articulate, thoughtful, cultured, and very well-read. But in spite of his superior intellect, he is still just a dog. I can identify so much with Brian, because in spite of constantly proving my mind, spirit, and character to the suits, they will always see me as ‘just a dog’.

Here’s to hopin’ that 2010 is the year I get my wings and start to see some real success from my writing and my music. I am willing to take any opportunity offered for writing and music gigs, even if it means having to leave the phony security of some J-O-B. I know I am more than competent enough to make excellent money doing what I love. I need to do this immediately, because I am OVER working my ass off at a mind-numbing, dead-end job for people who look at me as some beast of burden!

I used the excuse “I need to keep the paycheck coming so I can afford to write” for the last time. This year, I will make my own breaks, and when I finally get mine, it’s goodbye to that shark-infested cesspool of office politics once and for all!

First Live Gig in Five Years a Success!

Posted in music, people with tags , , , , , on November 16, 2009 by Mike Hatz

Well, my first gig in five years went pretty well. This band didn’t even have a name or nothin’ (yet), but I played with them for about 6 weeks before we actually played before almost a hundred people.

From left to right is Ed Capps – Drums; Jack Lamb – Guitar; Darryl – Vocals and Percussion; Myself – Bass, Mackie Lyons – Guitar; Bob Bailey – Guitar.

Many, many thanks to the Elkins Family for having us as the entertainment that awesome warm afternoon! Why not watch another awesome clip of some Skynyrd (and YES, we know more than just Skynyrd, assholes!) Maybe next time, I will remember to bring a bigger memory card for the ol’ video camera!

Ron Paul: Audit Fed ‘Gutted’ in Committee

Posted in politics with tags , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2009 by Mike Hatz

“Bank-Connected Congressman Blamed for Undermining Bill”

Posted on October 31, 2009. World Net Daily.

By Drew Zahn
WorldNetDaily

Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, has complained that the bill he sponsored calling for an audit of the Federal Reserve has been “gutted” by congressional committee, pointing specifically to a legislator whose campaign coffers have been boosted by the banking industry.

As WND reported, Paul sponsored H.R. 1207, a bill requiring the Federal Reserve – an organization that’s independent from the U.S. government but nonetheless oversees U.S. monetary policy – be opened to oversight by Congress. The plan compiled over 300 co-sponsors in the House before being sent to committee.

But in a telephone interview with a Bloomberg reporter, Paul said the teeth have been ripped out of the bill.

“There’s nothing left; it’s been gutted,” Paul said. “This is not a partisan issue. People all over the country want to know what the Fed is up to, and this legislation was supposed to help them do that.”

Paul told Bloomberg the bill has been stripped of provisions that closed loopholes protecting the Fed, including exemption from audits of transactions with foreign central banks and protected communications between the Board, reserve banks and staff.

Demand the money managers come clean by signing the petition in support of an audit of the Federal Reserve now!

Paul blamed the chairman of the House Financial Service Committee’s panel on domestic monetary policy, Rep. Mel Watt, D-N.C., for eliminating “just about everything” in preparation for the bill’s consideration on the floor of the House.

Watt, is has also been revealed, has significant connections to the banking industry.

It its report, Bloomberg mentioned that Watt’s congressional district includes Charlotte, headquarters of Bank of America Corp., the biggest U.S. lender.

Further investigation through OpenSecrets.org reveals that the largest share of Watt’s campaign contributions in the 2008 election cycle came from the finance, insurance and real estate industries.

In fact, of $609,072 given to Watt, $217,109 – or 35.6 percent – came from the money sector, including over $187,000 – or nearly 31 percent of his total contributions – from political action committees within the finance, insurance and real estate industry. The next highest industry supporting Watt was labor, which contributed only 14 percent of his total war chest.

Furthermore, the four largest contributors to Watt’s cause were Bank of America, Wachovia Corp., American Express and the American Bankers Association.

Keith Kelly, a spokesman for Watt, declined to comment and told Bloomberg Watt wasn’t immediately available for an interview.

Paul, however, told Bloomberg he intends to introduce an amendment that would restore the bill’s legislation to its original language when it comes to the House floor for a vote.

Paul long has been a critic of the secrecy of the Federal Reserve.

“Throughout its nearly 100-year history, the Federal Reserve has presided over the near-complete destruction of the United States dollar,” he said earlier. “Since 1913, the dollar has lost over 95 percent of its purchasing power, aided and abetted by the Federal Reserve’s loose monetary policy.”

You’ve never needed to understand money like you need to understand it now! “Web of Debt: The Shocking Truth About Our Money System and How We Can Break Free” unravels the deception of the Federal Reserve and presents a crystal clear picture of the financial abyss towards which we are heading.

“Since its inception, the Federal Reserve has always operated in the shadows, without sufficient scrutiny or oversight of its operations,” Paul said when the plan to audit the Fed was introduced. “While the conventional excuse is that this is intended to reduce the Fed’s susceptibility to political pressures, the reality is that the Fed acts as a foil for the government. Whenever you question the Fed about the strength of the dollar, they will refer you to the Treasury, and vice versa. The Federal Reserve has, on the one hand, many of the privileges of government agencies, while retaining benefits of private organizations, such as being insulated from Freedom of Information Act requests.”

Ron Paul’s ‘End the Fed’: What we need to do to fix America’s economic policy for future generations

Paul has warned, “The Federal Reserve can enter into agreements with foreign central banks and foreign governments, and the GAO is prohibited from auditing or even seeing these agreements. Why should a government-established agency, whose police force has federal law enforcement powers, and whose notes have legal tender status in this country, be allowed to enter into agreements with foreign powers and foreign banking institutions with no oversight? Particularly when hundreds of billions of dollars of currency swaps have been announced and implemented, the Fed’s negotiations with the European Central Bank, the Bank of International Settlements, and other institutions should face increased scrutiny, most especially because of their significant effect on foreign policy. If the State Department were able to do this, it would be characterized as a rogue agency and brought to heel, and if a private individual did this he might face prosecution under the Logan Act, yet the Fed avoids both fates.”

WND previously reported that the Fed, despite being ordered to disclose to whom it awarded some $2 trillion in discount “stimulus” loans, continues its fight for secrecy.