(NOTE: The following guide originally appeared on the blog “The Great Imitator” by JHARE. Each Orwellian line of corporate bullshit is followed by its corresponding plain-talk truth in italics.)
“Entry-Level Position.” – You’ll be making $8.00 an hour.
“Entry-Level Position in an Up-and-Coming Company.” – You’ll be making under $8.00 an hour, and we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
“An Up-and Coming Software Company.” – We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.
“Profit-Sharing plan.” – Once it’s been shared by the higher-ups, there won’t BE a profit.
“Competitive Salary.” – We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“Join our Fast-Paced Company.” – We have no time to train you. You’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
“Nationally Recognized Leader.” – “Inc.” Magazine did an article on us a few years back, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
“Immediate Opening.” – The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
“Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter.” – We’re not going to supply you with leads, there’s no base salary, and you’ll have to wait 30 days for your first commission check.
“Must be Self-Motivated.” – Management won’t answer any questions.
“We Offer Great benefits.” – After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
“Pension/Retirement Benefits.” – After three years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
“Seeking Enthusiastic, Fun, Hard-Working People…” – …who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.
“Casual Work Atmosphere.” – We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
“Competitive Environment.” – We have an extremely high turnover rate.
“Exciting and Professional Work Environment.” – Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
“Join Our Dynamic Team.” – We all have to listen to nutty motivational tapes.
“Fun Work Environment.” – Your coworkers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.
“A Drug-Free Work Environment.” – We booze it up at company parties.
“Must be Deadline Oriented.” – You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“Some Public Relations Skills Required.” – If we’re in trouble, you’ll have to go on TV and get us out of it.
“Some Overtime Required.” – That is, some overtime each night and some overtime every weekend.
“Salary Range $24K – $32K.” – We’ll offer you $22K to start.
“A Highly Visible Position.” – You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.
“Flexible Hours.” – Work 65 – 70 hours a week, get paid for 40.
“Duties Will Vary.” – Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“Where Employees Feel Valued.” – That is, the lucky ones who missed the first five rounds of layoffs.
“Must Have an Eye for Detail.” – We have no quality control.
“College Degree Preferred.” – Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English, or religion.
“No Phone Calls Please.” – We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
“Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience.” – You’ll need it to replace the three people who just left.
“Problem-Solving Skills a Must.” – You’re fixin’ to join a company in a state of perpetual chaos.
“Requires Team Leadership Skills.” – You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
“Good Communication Skills.” – Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
“Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload” – You whine, you’re fired.
“Aspirations for Growth Within Our Company” – We LOVE brown-nosers.
Copied From:
http://thegreatimitator.blogspot.com/2009/06/employer-talk.html


